I just want to start this post off with a trigger warning. If you’ve experienced loss, a miscarriage, etc., this post may be hard to read.
The last few weeks have been rough. Like sobbing at 2am in the bathroom, rough.
I won’t sugarcoat it, we’ve been going through a lot. Our son had a major surgery and spent several long days in the ICU. Then we moved to a new city. It’s a lot.
My anxiety has been heightened since the surgery and it’s taken a turn for the worse these past few weeks. I’ve been on Zoloft for anxiety and depression for almost three years now and it helps me handle and cope with the normal day-to-day anxiety. But when you experience loss and trauma, the anxiety creeps through, looks Zoloft in the eyes, and kicks it’s ass.
I’ve been triggered lately by reading stories (on accident) of women that have experienced horrible loss in their pregnancies, by the news, by what’s going on in the world. I found myself crying uncontrollably and texting my friend Katie saying that I was scared to lose Bronx and that I don’t even feel pregnant anymore. She reminded me that I just experienced loss a few months before getting pregnant. Honestly, I hadn’t thought much of my miscarriage since I got pregnant 2 months later. I put all my energy into focusing on this pregnancy, and my son’s surgery. I didn’t give myself enough time to process and grieve. And I know I miscarried early (7-8ish weeks), but it was absolutely traumatic. And now these past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about it nonstop. Scared to wipe when I use the restroom because I don’t want to see blood. Terrified when I haven’t felt the baby move in a while. Sobbing when I get the slightest ache or pain or cramp.
My sister texted me in the middle of the night last week and said “You look so happy and I’m so happy for you.” I just wanted to reply spilling my heart out and tell her that even though I’m smiling, there’s a huge whole in my heart. That I feel sad all the time. That I’m scared to go to the doctor because I don’t want bad news. That ultrasounds give me panic attacks. But honestly, it’s too hard to say all of that. And I don’t want sympathy or for people to feel bad. I just want peace.
I’ve completely surrendered to my anxiety and have just been feeling sad, all the time. I’ve been sick for so long that I started just feeling like I was sick, not pregnant. I was expressing all of this to my group of close friends, and my friend Elly immediately said she would send me her fetal doppler. That it helped her feel peace during her last pregnancy (she miscarried right before getting pregnant – just like me). And thankfully, I started feeling the baby move again last night (after two weeks of feeling nothing). Feeling her move, in and of itself, gives me so much peace.
The truth is, every single day I’m scared to lose my baby. I don’t think I’ll truly be at peace this entire pregnancy. Not until she’s in my arms.
So for now, I’m trying to take it easy and put it all in God’s hands. I would rather surrender to Him than my anxiety.